What is the trigger?

Sunday night; settling down after the long drive back from another wonderful Detroit/Bowling Green, OH four day weekend. The drives are a grind, but Steve insists on doing all of it. The kids were raised on these trips. They look forward to marathon movies in the back seat. The only thing I really need to do is figure out a way to occupy myself; usually twitter, magazines when the signal is weak, or staring out the window and thinking. All good things for someone who complains about not having time to think.

This was the first White family gathering since Nonna died last year. I can't believe it had been that long since the White siblings gathered. We usually gathered for either T-day, Xmas or NYE. Always for one week in the summer. After Nonna's funeral in October 2011, we stayed home for T-day and got to see the Bethlehem tree lighting, and other local traditions. It was nice to take a break from the many weekend trips of the past three years. We stayed home through Christmas Eve, but drove to Detroit on Boxing day to try to connect with any family still hanging out in Detroit. New Year's Eve was spent in Bowling Green with our old posse. It was a great night hanging out, sampling Mark's scotch (he's got quite a collection), talking about everything and nothing with our dearest friends.

Before Nonna died, the family gatherings were organized around her and Papa's traditions; significant and not so insignificant holidays (anything with a 3-day weekend), weddings (lots of weddings), baptisms, first communions, confirmations, high school graduations, wine making,...  Steve's siblings are very close. Four of the seven siblings live in the Detroit area. Their kids grew up together. Every family gathering had continuous eating and conversations that would start at the hello hug and last through the 2 hour packing and "oh, and that reminds me of...." as we try to leave.

There's usually a moment in Detroit when I watch Steve's family and wish I could just walk into another room of the house to see my mom and my siblings. This time I had to settle for a phone call. After I got off the phone, as expected, I was starting to feel anxious about not being with my mom. I'm not there. I'm missing something. There's always this moment when I'm with Steve's family when I feel like I need to bust out of the house. I need to retreat into my own space.

This is why I started jogging again. A few years ago, I packed some exercise clothes just in case I had the opportunity. Every visit now, I get a 2 mile walk/run in Grosse Point Park - long enough to get from the home we're staying to to some view of Lake St. Claire and back. It's all I need. When I'm done with the quick run; I feel like I've chased the demons away.

The night of that run, I split seven Belgian beers with my sister-in-law's husband. Next day, I felt no pain. I felt great!

This was an awakening.

After a Belgian waffle, we drove to Bowling Green. For some reason, the anxiety started creeping in again. Luckily, the BG friends have known me for more than 25 years - they don't care if I need to escape. So I put my running clothes back on and went for a little jog in the woods.

I got lost on the trail just before dark. When I finally figured out how to get out of the woods, this 10 point deer came up from behind and ran right passed me; about 15 feet to my right. (Thanks to Mark - I got a good picture of this big boy)

Stuff like that only happens when you just decide to take an adventure and get lost.

I flipped some kind of trigger on this trip. As I sit and write this post while the laundry is going and I dig my heels into still being on vacation (no, I'm not reading email and getting ready for the week right now), I'm trying to figure out when I'll be able to get my next run in.

Who am I and what happened?

Does this have anything to do with embracing my failings as they are - and starting to let shame go?

I heard this phrase in a radio interview today; "It's not a mid-life crisis. It's a mid-life unravelling."
(Listen to this researcher: she's pretty awesome. Brene Brown researches vulnerability)

Am I finally accepting things that I cannot change; and finding serenity in the things I can?

Hump Day

Normal people don't consider Friday night a "hump day." I've never said I was normal. I mean, it's definitely not normal to have one night off or weekend without schedule since August 14th. Yes, this is by my own choice. I posted on my Facebook page yesterday, that someone told me I make myself too available. That person is right. I do.

I make myself available for things I care about. I've written before about my tendency to over-commit to things, and how this habit started as a coping mechanism when I was a teenager. This is a tough habit to break.

Now that the kids are nine, and Steve is about to start on new meds (Copaxone), I need to make a major life adjustment. My coping mechanisms have to change for a healthier way to deal with the inevitable job stress (which really isn't that stressful when there's so much real crap in the world that offers perspective), stress by getting involved in civic things which brings political stickiness, and all the other stress that is just plain life. Seriously, life is pretty good.

My coping mechanisms have to offer a way to give my day a bit more balance in increasing my heart rate instead of my blood pressure. I've written manifestos of change before. But what I never did before was actually celebrate the ending of bad behaviors, bad choices, and accepting the responsibility of all of it.

Tomorrow night is a big party where I work; the annual Gala. There's a fantastic artist performing, who will not only entertain, but inspire. Inspire me to loose weight to be as petite as her? No way - I'm not unrealistic. But she has inspired me to buy a dress with sparkles. I may even use some of Bridget's body glitter. I'm going to put on my party hat (that means careful make up application and extra hair product). I'll force my feet into heels and sit down as much as possible. It's going to be a celebration for me, a saying goodbye to the habits and choices that keep me from taking care of myself.

Tomorrow before the big party, I'll be hanging out in a vendor tent at a community event. But, while this event is going on, another event is happening for the first time in Bethlehem - a half marathon festival by Runner's World magazine. I'll have to work out a travel plan around the marathon route; but I'll be wishing I was in shape to be able to run it.

I'm not going to expect that one day I'll be able to run a half marathon. I passed over that delusion last year. However....

Sunday, the day in which the only thing I have scheduled is to get our pumpkins carved and practice the Halloween make-up, I'm going to find time between menu planning, groceries, laundry, lesson plans, and research to get back out on the street with my tired running shoes, my dog, maybe my friend Todd and start on day one. I'm pretty good at filling my day with work, finding work, or multi-tasking my day half consciously present to the task or conversation at hand.

I've been waiting for time to magically present itself in my schedule. I've been waiting for some magical switch inside my resolve to stay disciplined. The act that needs to happen, is that I need to hit the switch with conscious deliberation.

Part of a mid life crisis, is the grace to accept the wisdom that comes with the age. This summer, I reconnected with a former professor and mentor who reminded me about accountability to my own decisions. Since I'm starting to feel comfortable in my own skin - maybe it's time to start taking care of my skin, and all the parts packaged inside it.

Let the training begin

In the euphoric moment of completing my first 5K, I signed up the next day for a 10K. The event is in Allentown on Superbowl Sunday - February 5, 2012. I'm hoping 10 weeks is enough time to properly train through the holidays. But as usual, training doesn't start with exercise - it starts with research.

To the internets!
(Every time I type that, I hear some BatMan theme.... if only I could find a way to pop that into this post)

Wow! I can buy a perfect training guides for only $29.99 in four easy installments. Do I really feel like I can't do this? Is the purchase of one more app or exercise program "designed especially for me" is going to get me across the finish line? Of course, I can fetter away even more money. Instead, I'm going to give this a shot with a free 10K for beginners training plan. Since this one is 8 weeks, I'm allowing the next two weeks to work up to it's first week assignments.

I was able to pull it together this morning. A Monday morning; getting dressed, choking down vitamins, leashing the dog, and out the door in time to complete 30 minutes of straight running. I was hoping to be able to cover 2 miles, but I only got 1.74 according to my trusty free RunKeeper App. I will not let this feel like a failure. For Pete's sake, I did get my butt out of the house and jog for 30 minutes straight... (OK, stopped only to pick up Buddy's morning dump)

Back to the internets for more tools. I found a way to plan for desired distance on this site, and will try again tomorrow. No doubt, I'll have to design a more organized routine to do as much of the morning tasks as possible before I head out. Tomorrow's run might take up to 45 minutes to cover the two miles.

Crap, that means waking up earlier. OK, alarm set for 0-5-ridiculous. And no riding the snooze. I will be successful if I can get out of the house by 6am.

That's the way this little experiment is going to have to go for me. Small successes each day.