Sunday, June 2, 2013

Summer of ... BLERG

Couldn't even come up with a good title for: 'yet another rambling post about my endless search for self-disicpline and focus.

Two weeks ago marked my official start to the summer. I missed Lehigh's commencement. Instead, I was in Harrisburg for one of two days of "Train the Trainer" training. Sad title, but this is one the the many things I am going to go through to "legitimize" the after school programs I'm designing as a part of my ongoing learning and living arts work. I hoped to write weekly journals on the "Creative Campuses Best Practices" blog for that documentation, but a grant and some other people tugging on my attention got in the way.

I must confess, a fair amount of passive aggression this week. I think I'm fighting a bit of depression, too. Seeing Steve's condition weaken because of heat and i terrible sleeping problem is a part of it. I'm sure the other part is just the simple self-absorbed way I get when I forget how lucky I am because I'm dwelling on what I don't have. I retreat into a mentally vacant state. Television is pure evil. I have to convince myself that I'm allergic to it.

But I did see something on my channel surfing yesterday that snapped me back into some sense. Believe it or not, a moment from an episode of "The Super Nanny" did it. She was coaching the mom on discipline for the two year old. The mom was getting frustrated at needing to be consistent - and the kids was really pushing back. The mom was about to walk out the door when the Super Nanny chased her down.
"This is going to on all day - I just don't have the strength..." (whine, whine, I'm doing this in my own way)
"Well you'd better find a way to get some strength because it is all on you right now. Deal with it!"

That's right, bitch. Deal with it.

Today, a small victory. I got to my work out video. I controlled my eating so far. Even tackled the laundry. Made the meal plan, got the girl scout badges sorted.

Still have to get to the grocery store, iron the clothes, put all of them away, cook dinner. Make the badge chart and write the instruction letter for the parents for the Girl Scouts. Some other stuff for the Fine Arts Commission need to get done before I face them at tomorrow's meeting.

My head is going in too many directions. I can't focus.

Work is a mesh of stuff that I just can't seem to get a grip on. I'm finding my self spread again into a lack of structure. I do practice making a schedule and reasonable daily tasks lists, and for the most part I get them done. Not getting to the writing I really want to do. I may have to isolate myself for a while - or be super strict about when I scan the social media dials and for how long. Oh, and the reading list? Right.

This week, the kids have three half days of school and they're out for summer. Tonight, I'm going to make a goals chart for discussion with my boss tomorrow. Do they make an app for that? Yes.

I can have all the tools and opportunity laid out at my feet. But nothing matters until I actually make something work. I'm too focused on the outcomes right now, that I haven't spent the necessary time working out the path to get there.

I have a feeling my morning pages this week will be full of self-hate. Better there, than here.

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