I haven't yet carved out a weekly time chart that blocks of dedicated time slots for various accountabilities. I haven't yet written the list of accountabilities in order to see how I fit them all into a weekly work chart. I haven't yet carved time out of the weekly work chart to work around the kids shuffle schedule. I haven't inserted the daily hour for my work outs. Good ideas.
I haven't organized my menus that combine health, budget, and caloric intake and a simple to use grocery chart. Good idea.
I buy things on Groupon and rarely redeem them. When I bought them, the expiration date was so far away, I knew I'd schedule that massage, or go bowling with the family. Neither happened. Today I'm going to beg the photo processor to give me an extension. (Note 2 below) Good idea.
I could go on, and on with this list of self-flagellation, but why make the reader suffer the same words I suffer with from moment to moment in my head? That's not a very nice thing to do to the kind people who actually read this. By golly, I really wish I can do all these things and be at peace. Or at least I'm convincing myself that when I accomplish all of these things, I will be at peace.
I'm a compulsive person. I need to learn restraint. This is part of the developing 12-step program (see note 1 below) for over-committers anonymous. (admitting that one cannot control one's compulsion) Since I've revealed the reasons I've developed this coping mechanism, I'm trying to figure out how I can move from this HUGE self awareness to the next level.
I can't do this alone. (recognizing a higher power that can give strength) My "go-to higher power" is very challenging for me. As a "cradle Catholic," I still want desperately to find the comfort in the Church. But today's Church has moved so far to the right of the social justice and principles that built my moral compass. The Church of Vatican II is now ancient history. The Church of today is more concerned with my vagina, and eliminating all of the things that take care of it, rather than guiding my decisions about what to do with it. If only the Church was more mindful about a few of their penises.... I need my Church to help me be a good person; nothing more. Instead of seeking out a priest or Catholic authority for my higher power connection, I want to look into greater depths of spirituality. Honestly, I wish I could find another Catholic who can help me with this greater step without being a preachy political nutcase. I've met a few preist in my life that would fit this criteria; but they all live in Wisconsin. Nothing against any of the priests in the Lehigh Valley; I just don't want to be guilt tripped into going to church. I want to be there because it means something to my soul. When it's time for spiritual reflection, I want it to be spiritually healing. I get more spiritual healing from Bruce Springsteen than the new Mass. "Consubstantial" just isn't there for me. I wish the Church would take a few lessons from other religions. Oh wait, I forgot. Church leaders are omnipotent. For a second I thought only God was. My mistake.
I wonder if I can skip this awareness, or switch it with the next level. (examining past errors with the help of a sponsor; experienced member); any other over-committers who have learned to control their compulsive need to take on every good idea that comes along?
Even though I'm barely past the first step, I know I need to move on to the next:
- making amends for these errors;
- learning to live a new life with a new code of behavior;
As for being a self-admitted over-committer, the last step is noble, but to me (at this point in my self awareness) completely counter to what I'm trying to accomplish.
- helping others who suffer from the same addictions or compulsions.
As I've been writing, this thought came to me. Do I have a short circuit in my decision making process? There must be a flow chart for this.... By golly, the internets have done it again!
As I've said in previous posts - actions speak lounder than statements on a blog post. July 1st is the official beginning of my new job description. Not much is changing in what I do. However, I have this amazing opportunity to change HOW I do it.
If my mid-life crisis is about figuring out how to enjoy the rest of my life rather than in trying to realize delusional dreams, than holy moly, hip-hip-hooray! I'm finding this process rather liberating.
Note 1: Here are the actual 12-steps from Alcoholic anonymous. I see now by reading them why some recovered alcoholics are either very devout, or very atheistic.
- We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
- Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
- Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
- Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
- Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
- Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
- Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
- Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
- Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
- Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
- Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
- Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Note 2: I'm canceling all email subscriptions to stores, donation centers and Daily Deals. Since I've self-diagnosed a compulsive disorder, I need to remove all temptations for a while. This diagnosis is completely valid. I have a doctorate. Even though their are not qualified letters, I'll take it.