Sunday, September 4, 2011

Why do I read work email on the weekend?

I let my blogging fall behind the last two days because of ONE work email. Just one. This email didn't piss me off the point of wanting to resign; but it was enough to send my head spinning into a thousands different feelings: marginalization, needing to prove my worth (AGAIN), and downright frustration that comes from being a somewhat autonomous person who needs to constantly insert herself into reporting structures outside my line of reports only so that WE can get something accomplished. (exhausted reading that sentence? - welcome to my world) And then I have to explain myself again.

Goodness gracious, I'm not trying to DO anyone's job but my own. And my job is pretty much a networker who makes connections all over campus and in the community. Why on earth do I need to keep begging people to let me do what I do really well? Because I'm different. I know that. I'm an academic mind in a non-traditional teaching position. I'm not faculty. I'm also not stupid. I know how to support my colleagues in other departments even though it's not my JOB to do that. I know how to read the strategic plan and craft articulation points around activities and people (faculty, staf, students, citizens) I know who are doing things that support the strategic plan.

I don't need rewards. My career is very maternal. In the spirit of the thankless job of motherhood, I have come to accept that what I do is the same. I used to want to be recognized for the risks I take ; only because in the beginning it took a lot of courage to change my direction; and I needed validation for leaving the performance field.

I don't need that anymore. It would just be so nice not to have to beg people to let me do what I do. Especially the people with whom I thought I'd already proven myself.

We all have boundary issues - I'm sure I'm challenging someone else's boundary. I'm seasoned enough to know the difference between asking forgiveness and permission. Why do I constantly need to ask permission with some folks? Enough already.

No, I haven't sent a email reply yet. I'll need a few more days to simmer down - or to rehearse what I want to say so that I don't loose my temper.

#79 of 90in90 for #LUBlogTribe

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