I'm very proud of the work I do. I enjoy it. I'm good at it. But I really do suck at writing about it. I would so much rather move forward. There is simply no good reason for it not being done. I've made every excuse and found every distraction possible. I could blame my kids and the lack of resources to keep them engaged without my constant presence. The truth is - I lack discipline for assigned work. I'm really good at finding other work to avoid this requirement. It's a habit that traces far back in personal history. A history of avoidance - and fear. Fear of what - failure? success? mediocrity?
My program coordinator even took me aside today to share her concerns that I'm beyond the deadline. My growing feelings of self-loathing and disgust grow with every day passing, and the darned report lingers.
My position has a fair amount of autonomy. Being my own boss on this is not a good thing. I'd really like someone else to take the blame for the report being late. The person who is really at fault is not far. She keeps staring me down every time I brush my teeth in the morning.
This thing: (90 blog posts in 90 days challenge) was supposed to increase my confidence as a writer. While there have been some surprising and delightfully unexpected outcomes from this engagement, I can say that I'm still crippled by assignment writing. I got a good chunk of it done. Before I chuck it all in the trash icon (again) I'm going read through it one more time, save the last version, and let it sit while I lose a little more sleep. Or waste a little more time on some other "productive" activity.
If only there were a little pill for improved self discipline.
#29 of 90in90 for #LUBlogTribe