It's a tired you never really know until...

A continuation from the events of the previous post, I reflect on the physical aftermath. My body is experiencing a leg dragging, cement head, finger hurting, kind of tired one feels when even breathing takes a thoughtful effort.

It was 3:45am when the affected blankets were finally dried. I had about two hours before knowing that any one would stir back at camp in the outfield. After logging the post, I tried keeping awake with reading the global twitter feed. Not sure why most posts at 4am are Lady Gaga and Katy Perry, but I saw a bunch of their videos and just poked around celebrity sights. It's not as good as the 1980s MTV channel, but at least I was my own blend of Kurt Loder and Martha Quinn. The sandman was not to be denied, so I crashed on the couch next to the computer after setting my phone alarm.

Why is it that even when I'm lacking sleep, I can wake up when I intend to, but on work days when I get a full 7 hours, I have trouble pulling my sorry butt into action? I know one the reasons now. I had other girls and my co-leader counting on my return. When someone is going to be waiting for me, I'd rather stick a poker in my eye than be late. This was also the same in college. No matter how much fun I had the night before, someone was expecting me to be in class, or be at work. It's just wrong to not be there.

I got to the park in the same clothes I slept in. Which were also the same clothes I came home in the night before. I did manage to scrub some of the night off my teeth, but still really wanted a shower that would have to wait until much later. On the drive back to the park, I was thinking of all the nights I stayed out way too late. The random walks of shame in college. The 4am breakfasts at Nick Tahou's in Rochester after playing the part of sober entourage girl. (ooh, that's a good post idea for later)

I'm now 46 years old. Staying up that late, and sleeping that little takes its toll on me. I used to be able to just go on like the energizer bunny. And what a lot of my friends and co-workers don't understand is that when I get tired, I get hyper. Because I'm trying to finish quickly so I can go to sleep.

Sleep is one of the most precious activities in my life. After 12 years of higher education studies, and 7 years of music rehearsals and performances that were regularly hours away from my home, I got to thinking of sleep as a dessert, or a luxury I just couldn't have. I'm really good at deep power naps. And they usually keep me going better than any cup of coffee. I'm also a really sound sleeper. I can sleep anywhere, in any position.

When I was pregnant, many people would tell me that I was going to be tired. I shooed these comments away knowing how tired I felt on the many occasions of my fantastic life. I could handle this.

No crazy life style prepared me for the kind of tired I would feel with newborns twins. Both Steve and I are grateful that we survive the first 6 months with a healthy relationship. Honestly, we've been through a lot together, so middle of the night feedings, diaper changes, and a little gas wasn't going to break us.

I don't remember much of the first months. New parents, here is the reason why so many parents of older children are aching to hold your tiny, precious bundle. We're trying to viscerally remember what it felt like to hold the young creature when we were too tired to even know what we were doing in the moment.

i am tired, i am weary
i could sleep for a thousand years
a thousand dreams that would awake me
different colors made of tears
~ Velvet Underground


*******

#9 of 90in90 for #LUBlogTribe. Anyone expecting their first child should not read this as a negative about what to expect. Just a rite of passage that those of us on the other side know only from the hazing experience of doing it. We welcome you to the "oh, that's what you meant by tired" club with open arms. And freshly laundered 800 thread count Egyptian Cotton sheets.